It was exactly what I needed
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| Photo Credit: Shauna Silva (Me) |
A lot of very strange things happened as I worked on my own happiness and peace. I began to make peace with my past. My grandfather and I had these evening talks about everything, and we talked about parts of my past that were pretty painful and traumatic. As I was getting it all out, I felt like all the pain that I didn't know I was carrying was now being healed. It was a very powerful moment that I will always remember.
I spent time at the ocean during my trip. I did some meditation in the gazebo overlooking the Atlantic Ocean and just focused on the sound of the ocean waves, and the salty aroma of the sea. During a lot of my meditations, I find myself at the ocean. It's my place of tranquility. To be meditating at a place of tranquility was a huge deal for me.
One of the questions I kept asking myself was: "Am I on the right path? Am I becoming the woman I was meant to become?" My answer was a resounding 'Yes.' I am on the right path.
For the past couple of years since injuring my spine, I been saying every year has been the biggest year of my life. While injuring my spine, and getting sick, is a huge deal, I think this year is my biggest year. From September 2015 up to now, my life has transformed in ways I never thought were possible. Last September, a serious relationship ended, I was drinking to mask my emotional pain, my chronic physical pain from my spinal injury, and I was contemplating suicide. A small part of me that wanted to fight to survive came out. Because a small part of me wanted to fight, I decided to enter treatment to see if it would help me.
Treatment was my first step, and it was a crucial one. The rest was up to me. At this time, I have exceeded my own expectations in my recovery.
I recently celebrated 8 months sober, and 8 months of no suicidal thoughts and no self-injuring. I look at life in a new way. I find myself relishing in the simple things of life, and I find myself laughing a lot. The fact of the matter is, I'm finding myself. If it weren't for this journey, I probably would have never embraced a part of me that I kept hidden for 20 years (that I'm queer).
Getting out of my state for a while, and reconnecting with family (and myself), really helped me prepare for the next chapter of my life. My life is never going to be easy, but I know that I have grown up enough to handle ANYTHING that comes my way.
That break was exactly what I needed.
