Blurbal Perspective

Photo Credit: hypebeast We are midway through summer 2016, and if you haven't booked your family vacation, consider Toronto, Canada. While you're in Toronto, check out the newest hotspot: Poop Cafe Dessert Bar. Poop Cafe Dessert Bar is expected to open in August, and offer Asian desserts shaped in poop-like formations. The person who dreamed up the restaurant, Lien Nguyen, is quick to defend the vision she has for her restaurant. She states that she wants to make poop cute. While this is already 'a thing' in Asia, Nguyen is hoping to take it one step further by having fake toilets as seats, and offering the desserts on dishes that resemble urinals. Photo Credit: independentuk It's a 'once in a lifetime' experience. Bring the family and experience this classy restaurant in person. My Two Cents I don't want to knock someone's creativity, and I love bathroom humor as much as the next person, but this is taking it way too far. NO t...

It seems like anything can be connected to the internet these days. While that may have some convenience to it, it does put your electronics at risk for viruses. It can also put your good name at risk, since hackers are able to gather your personal information. Recently, a software firm called Trend Micro conducted a test on electronics to see how strong their safeguards are. At one point, Udo Schneider, a spokesman for Trend Micro, placed a large, pink vibrator on a desk in front of him. He put in a few codes on his laptop and was able to bring the vibrator to life. Of course, people watching the stunt giggled at the sight of a large pink sex toy on the table. However, it began to sink in that virtually anything that has internet capability can be hacked. Raimind Genes, a Chief Technology Officer at a Tokyo branch of Trend Micro said that while it was entertaining to see, a hacker could blackmail the programming system behind any device's interface. My Two Cents: Now...

A Detroit man died in a car crash after watching porn on his phone while driving. In the early morning hours on Sunday, 58-year-old Clifford Ray Jones lost control of his car and was ejected after it rolled over. Police say that he was not wearing a seatbelt...or pants. They state that after examining his phone, it was concluded that he was watching pornography. No one else was involved in the crash. My Two Cents: This is why you can't watch "Backdoor Teen Mom" while driving. Let this be a lesson to you all: Hold the wank-fest until you've reached your final destination (or at least pull over before you 'pull it out).' This message brought to you by: common sense.

Officers in East Windsor, CT were involved in a very strange traffic stop on Wednesday afternoon. The officers pulled over a man who had a mannequin sitting in the passenger side of the car. The mannequin was all decked out with sunglasses and a drawn goatee on its face. It also had its seatbelt fastened. The officers got a good laugh at the situation, and the driver posed with the mannequin for some photos. East Windsor police posted the photos to social media, asking them why they think the driver had a mannequin in his car. Many folks thought it was to drive in the HOV lane. That guess was incorrect. The real reason as to why this man had a mannequin in his car was to protect him from road rage. My Two Cents Uhmm, how is a mannequin supposed to protect him from road rage? Will he be giving him a valium while in rush hour traffic? Will he smack his human for calling the person in the car next to him a sh*t driver? Someone help me out here!

Now that we are smack dab in the middle of engagement season, everyone is looking for ways to tell that special someone that they are "the one." Well, one young man from Michigan thought that grandest gesture would be to propose to his lady love over the loudspeaker at Walmart. A 25-year-old William Cornelius purchased a $29.96 engagement ring and asked for 20-year-old Sheri Moore's hand in marriage. She said 'yes' and both embraced. Walmart customers cheered the couple on as they shared their moment. Once the romantic moment was over, William Cornelius went over to Spencer's Gifts to get sex toys for his beloved. He swiped $80.93 worth of items from the store. Some of the items found on Cornelius include: "Bride-to-Be" thong Vibrator Edible thong BJ oral blast candy for oral sex Cornelius admitted to police that he stole the items for his lady love. He was arrested, along with his lady love. Turns out, Moore stole a few items from W...

A man in Florida was apprehended after being caught shoplifting sex toys from a Spencer's Gifts shop in Vero Beach, Florida. Thirty-three year old Christopher Masters was arrested after the store manager witnessed Masters place two sex toys down his shorts. Among the toys in his possession were the "Arouzed Screw Butt Plug," and the "Arouz'd Stroker Can." Masters admitted to Spencer Gifts security team that he had the money to purchase the items, but he didn't want to be seen purchasing them (the items were worth $30). Masters was charged with misdemeanor shoplifting. Later that night, he posted a $500 bond and was released. My Two Cents: Dude f*cked himself more than the can or butt plug ever would. Next time, just buy the sex toys. Better yet, don't get the sex toys at Spencer Gifts. Only teenagers and 20-somethings shop there. Go to a real sex store. No need to be embarrassed to shop there since other patrons are there for the same t...

In the early morning hours of December 11, 2015, 55 year old Dawn Meikle was woken up by her husband's flatulence . She elbowed her husband to stop. The elbowing turned into kicking. She eventually kicked her husband out of bed. After spending a couple of minutes out of bed, he returned, only to start sounding the butt trumpet once again. Meikle kicked and elbowed him to stop. The situation began to escalate when she grabbed her phone, ran to the bathroom, and closed the door. Before closing the door, she discharged pepper spray in the bedroom. Meikle called 911 and was arrested on a misdemeanor domestic battery charge. She was later released from the St. Lucie County Jail. My Two Cents: I think in this situation, the pepper spray is a more vile form of chemical warfare than the farting. B*tch, don't act like you don't fart.

A 33 year old woman snuck into an Omaha Zoo after-hours in order to pet a tiger. She went up to the tiger's cage and the tiger bit her hand. Officers report that the woman was intoxicated and was acting "aggressively." She was arrested while receiving treatment at the Creighton University Medical Center, and charged with suspicion of trespassing. My Two Cents: I'm not someone who would wish harm on a human being or creature, but this woman had it coming. I'm team Tiger.

As a Connecticut resident, I am used to the fact that this state is somewhat of an embarrassment. For example, we have the embarrassment that is Governor Dannel Malloy (as to why he was elected into office for a second term, I will never know). We also seem to have the Einsteins that think it's hilarious to walk up and down highways completely nekkid (this has happened a handful of times in the past few years). This week, we have 19 year old Luke Gatti, who thought it would be a bright idea to walk into the UCONN food court with an open container of alcohol and get some mac and cheese with bacon and jalapeno peppers. When confronted about having an open container in the cafeteria, he questioned why in America he couldn't have an alcoholic beverage in the building (well, being underage might be a fairly good reason). After using homophobic slurs and demanding his g*ddamned mac and cheese, he is tackled by an employee (after shoving the cafeteria manager), arrested by a police...

An employee at the Barry Callebaut chocolate factory in Vermont hated his job so much, that he called in a bomb threat in order to get fired. Twenty-two year old Kristofer Pregent swiped a co-worker's phone and called in the threat Monday night. When police arrived on the scene, Pregent stated that he received the bomb threat. Then he changed his story and said that the bomb threat never happened. He broke down and told the police that he hated his job and wanted to be fired. Well, not only did his plan work (he was fired), he also was arrested and charged with petit larceny, unlawful mischief, and false public alarm. My Two Cents: Out of all the jobs in this country, one would think working at a chocolate factory would not be one that someone would hate. I mean, if I were around that much chocolate, I'd be in heaven! Homeboy needs a reality check. I can tell this dude is going to be b*tchslapped in the unemployment line. Bro, you worked around chocolate. What the f...

Fifty-two year old Roberto Esquivel Cabrera of Mexico is said to have the world's largest penis. While many dudes around the world would love to have an ample dong, Cabrera states that he is unable to work, and women are scared to be intimate with him. Cabrera is on assistance and is trying to get on disability. His penis measures nearly 19 inches long and the tip is nearly 10 inches. Cabrera is being tested by medical doctors to see if there is anything that can be done so Cabrera can live a normal life. Dr. Philip Werthman, who is based out of Los Angeles, heard about Cabrera's story and said that there is a procedure than can be done, and it's sort of like a "very big circumcision." Werthman believes that the appendage is excess skin. It is unclear as to how Cabrera achieved such a dong. My Two Cents: My heart goes out to Cabrera. It must be * hard *....I mean, difficult...to live in such painful circumstances. It must * suck *...I mean stink. Truly...

Behold good sirs, the tale of a parrot named Hariyal. Hariyal hails from an Indian city called Rajura. His human, Suresh Sakharkar has been schooling Hariyal in obscenities for the last two years in an attempt to get a rise out of his 85 year old stepmother. One day, the stepmother went to go visit Suresh and was greeted by a slew of swears from the parrot. Police came and detained Hariyal. Upon further investigation, it turns out that there may have been bad blood between Suresh and his stepmother's family, and the stepmother believes that is the reason why Suresh taught our feathered friend to cuss her out. Unfortunately, the cops were unable to get a statement from the parrot. They did stick around to see if the bird would cuss their a**es out. The parrot kept quiet. My Two Cents: When I was a wee lass, I remember buying this toy parrot that could talk. All you had to do was say something and then the toy parrot repeated it back to you. Of course, I made my toy parrot s...

photo credit: smosh From the Throwback Thursday vault: In 2014, a Florida woman was arrested after she beat the sh*t out of her boyfriend after a bad oral sex encounter. Jennie Scott, 50, opened a can of whoop-ass on Jilberto Deleon, 32, at his home last year. Turns out, she got pissed off when he finished first and stopped pleasing her. Police found Jennie Scott punching and scratching the young man. My Two Cents: Folks, you really can't fault the woman for being angry. I've come (no pun intended) across many men who will just get their rocks off, and leave the woman with the female case of blue balls. It's pretty selfish. However, I would never beat the sh*t out of the guy. I would just give him a dose of his own medicine next time. Ladies, if you have a man who constantly stops pleasing you after he climaxes, here's what you do: Next time when you are in the heat of the moment, just as he is about to blow his load, STOP what ever it is that you're doi...

"Rawr. I'm coming for your sperm sack!" photo credit: sickchirpse Gentlemen, hold on to your nuts! A fisherman admiring the sights and sounds of wildlife at a South New Jersey lake had his world shaken when he caught a rather exotic fish. The pacu, native to South America, has human-like teeth and has the unfortunate reputation of om-nom-noming on male genitalia. In 2011, Jeremy Wade featured the pacu on his show, "River Monsters (on Animal Planet)." he reported that two men have died from getting their nuts chomped off by these feisty fish. Fear not, gentledudes, not all of you will get your sacks chewed up  by these fish. The pacu are in the same family as the piranha: they both eat plants for the most part, but will also eat smaller fish if need be. While these fish are usually found searching for scrotum yum-yums in the Amazon, they have been spotted here in the US, in states other than New Jersey (As for why the fish was in NJ is beyond m...

photo credit: People In South Williamson, KY, Walmart shoppers got a close up view of a lunatic taking off his clothes, putting on a halloween mask and running through the store naked. When he got to the dairy section of Walmart, he proceeded to pour milk all over himself. After his milk bath (by the way, I've heard it's good for the skin), he ran through Walmart shouting that he was on fire. A Walmart shopper happened to capture the footage on video and submitted it to YouTube. The video instantly went viral. The sheriff in Pike County, KY obtained arrest warrants and is currently looking for the milk-bathing, streaking, fire man. My Two Cents: #OnlyAtWalmart. "Attention Walmart shoppers: Would the naked man covered in milk please report to customer service? We have your clothes. We have received some complaints about your blue balls and shriveled p*nis. Please pick up your clothes and put them on. Thank you."

photo credit: WFTV Riddle me this: How does a raccoon cross Ocklawaha River? Answer: By hitching a ride on an alligator of course! In Florida, Richard Jones happened to be walking along this river in Ocala National Forest, when he saw a raccoon hitching a ride on an alligator's back. Dude took the opportunity to photograph the twosome before the alligator went into the water and the raccoon scurried off.   My Two Cents: I wonder how much the alligator charges for his uber-like services?

photo credit: HuffPostWeirdNews Today's "What the F*ck" report is brought to you by Logan, Utah, where a man tried to steal a car, but failed when he couldn't figure out how to use the stick shift. Nineteen year old Alexander Katz was with his underage girlfriend when they attempted to steal this car. Katz got into the front seat and his girlfriend tried to walk him through the process on how to drive the car. The dude gave up and abandoned the car. Then, they called a cab at a nearby gas station. Police caught up to the dynamic duo. The duo tried to run off but the police officers caught up to Katz's girlfriend. In her statement, she told police that she and Katz started their night off by trying to score some Benedryl. Then they came up with the brillant plan to steal a car. Katz was arrested a few hours later. Police Chief Gary Jensen had this to say about the duo: "I'm not 100 percent certain why she doesn't just get around and get ...

Adam Hirtle of Colorado was sitting home bored one night, and thought "Hmm, I wonder what it would feel like to shoot my own foot." Well, homeboy took his .22 caliber, semi-automatic handgun and pulled the trigger. After shooting himself in the foot, he put a boot on and did it again. In case you were wondering, his injuries were not life-threatening. Hirtle was arrested for reckless endangerment, child abuse (one or more kids were around when he did this), and prohibited use of a weapon. My Two Cents: *pushes papers off desk, stands up with hands in the air.* I give up! Folks, this is why we cannot have nice things. Dear god, please tell me that you were on meth when you allowed this dipsh*t to be conceived by his inbred parents?

photo credit: landoverbaptist One of the major faux pas that one can commit when in court is representing oneself. Of course, it is hard to find a good lawyer to represent you when you have committed a crime that is clearly your fault. So, when you cannot find a good lawyer, and you don't want to represent yourself, what does a criminal do? Hire a stuffed owl that holds a law degree. Charles Abbott is accused of violating a protective order that involves a former roommate. Abbott allegedly assaulted his former roommate while at an AA meeting. Abbott's former roommate states that Abbott went to the home they shared in order to retrieve his belongings while the roommate was away. Fast forward to court day, when Abbott brought in his legal counsel. He placed the stuffed animal on the defense table, telling the judge that "Soloman" will be representing him. Abbott says this about his esteemed legal counsel: "He's a very sensitive guy, has law degrees ...

photo credit: weinterrupt A dude in Kentucky was arrested after police say that he rode a horse while intoxicated. 40 year old Michael Kimmel told police that he "didn't do sh*t," and that he was just riding his horse. Police arrived at the scene when people complained about the drunk rider. The police released the following report: "The arrest report, filed by Trooper J. Gabbard, says [Kimmel] was ordered to stop, but instead he ran down an embankment, fleeing on foot, wearing only a brown hat, jeans, and boots. During the search for the suspect, police say the found his clothing on the back porch of his own house." Police caught up with Mr. Kimmel and arrested him. He is, however, on probation for a burglary charge. Now he faces DUI charges and evading police. photo credit: HuffPost Now, how is he going to explain this to his cellmates? Breaking probation to evade police by drunk riding a horse. Wow. Just, wow. My Two Cents: I totally und...