Blurbal Perspective

Photo Credit: montrealgazette Today in Dumb Criminals, we have a man in Kentucky who quickly found out that playing with fire easily gets you burned. A surveillance camera caught the entire event on video. In the video, a white minivan pulled up in front of a new business. The driver emerged from the vehicle and swung an object at the door several times. The driver then tossed a Molotov cocktail at the door and the business caught on fire. Not only did the business catch fire, the arsonist caught on fire as well. Instead of stopping, dropping, and rolling, the suspect fled to a nearby grassy area, throwing an ignited shoe in the process. Police in Kentucky are still looking for the suspect, as well as his accomplices.

A Detroit man died in a car crash after watching porn on his phone while driving. In the early morning hours on Sunday, 58-year-old Clifford Ray Jones lost control of his car and was ejected after it rolled over. Police say that he was not wearing a seatbelt...or pants. They state that after examining his phone, it was concluded that he was watching pornography. No one else was involved in the crash. My Two Cents: This is why you can't watch "Backdoor Teen Mom" while driving. Let this be a lesson to you all: Hold the wank-fest until you've reached your final destination (or at least pull over before you 'pull it out).' This message brought to you by: common sense.

A man in Florida was apprehended after being caught shoplifting sex toys from a Spencer's Gifts shop in Vero Beach, Florida. Thirty-three year old Christopher Masters was arrested after the store manager witnessed Masters place two sex toys down his shorts. Among the toys in his possession were the "Arouzed Screw Butt Plug," and the "Arouz'd Stroker Can." Masters admitted to Spencer Gifts security team that he had the money to purchase the items, but he didn't want to be seen purchasing them (the items were worth $30). Masters was charged with misdemeanor shoplifting. Later that night, he posted a $500 bond and was released. My Two Cents: Dude f*cked himself more than the can or butt plug ever would. Next time, just buy the sex toys. Better yet, don't get the sex toys at Spencer Gifts. Only teenagers and 20-somethings shop there. Go to a real sex store. No need to be embarrassed to shop there since other patrons are there for the same t...

A 33 year old woman snuck into an Omaha Zoo after-hours in order to pet a tiger. She went up to the tiger's cage and the tiger bit her hand. Officers report that the woman was intoxicated and was acting "aggressively." She was arrested while receiving treatment at the Creighton University Medical Center, and charged with suspicion of trespassing. My Two Cents: I'm not someone who would wish harm on a human being or creature, but this woman had it coming. I'm team Tiger.

As a Connecticut resident, I am used to the fact that this state is somewhat of an embarrassment. For example, we have the embarrassment that is Governor Dannel Malloy (as to why he was elected into office for a second term, I will never know). We also seem to have the Einsteins that think it's hilarious to walk up and down highways completely nekkid (this has happened a handful of times in the past few years). This week, we have 19 year old Luke Gatti, who thought it would be a bright idea to walk into the UCONN food court with an open container of alcohol and get some mac and cheese with bacon and jalapeno peppers. When confronted about having an open container in the cafeteria, he questioned why in America he couldn't have an alcoholic beverage in the building (well, being underage might be a fairly good reason). After using homophobic slurs and demanding his g*ddamned mac and cheese, he is tackled by an employee (after shoving the cafeteria manager), arrested by a police...

photo credit: becuo  Here's another contender for "Dumbest Criminal of the Year" award. A male entered a Venice home via an unlocked door on Saturday and then took a selfie with the victim's iPhone. He then recorded himself in the living room before he left with the phone. There were people in the house, but they were unharmed. Los Angeles authories do not have the name of the victim, but with the mug of this MENSA member, they should find him in no time. My Two Cents: If anyone finds this Einstein burlgar, proceed with caution. You don't want his "stupid" to rub off on you.

photo credit: DailyMailUK So, a man by the name of Aaron Stein decided to rob a bank using a sex toy . The sex toy was wrapped up in duct tape. He allegedly showed a bank teller wires that were hanging out of his shirt. He demanded cash from the teller and fled the scene with an unknown amount of cash. The weird part about the story (besides the sex toy) is that he called police on himself. Officer Mike Gastgeb spotted sex toy guy in a white Toyota sedan. He went over to confront sex toy guy but he drove off. Gastgeb was able to stop him eventually. The money was found in a garbage bag on the passenger seat. Underneath said seat was the "bomb." Despite the fact that there was no bomb to speak of, the bomb squad arrived on the scene. Some time later, Stein broke down and told police that he had lost all of his money in the stock market last week and he was hella desperate (a lot of people lose money in the stock market. Most just put a bullet in their head and cal...

photo credit: Gawker One of the most unsanitary places in the world happens to be the train. Scores of people take the train to get from point A to point B, making it the perfect breeding place for all kinds of nasties. Speaking of nasties, in Tokyo , a 40 year old man was arrested after semen was found an an 18 year old school girl's skirt. Turns out, he is linked to over 100 incidents of wiping semen on women, going as far back as 2011. Tetsuya Fukada admitted to rubbin one out on the train and wiping the evidence on females riding on the train. He told police that he gets excited when in close contact with women in a crowded area. In order to deal with his excitement, he cut holes in his jacket pockets, so he could do his business discreetly. He was charged with vandalism (he wasn't charged with being a pervy b*stard). My Two Cents: I don't know which is worse: the fact that it took police 4 years to arrest this a**hole, or the fact that after being arreste...

photo credit: Off the Beat with Will Greenlee Before I dive into the story: Yes, this is a story straight out of Florida. Twenty-eight year old Casey Molter was arrested after he seriously dismantled his girlfriend's car. The reason he trashed her car was because of a "spiritual vision" she had. Molter describes his girlfriend as being someone who can tell a person about their dreams. Her latest vision is that Molter's dead granny would appear in his dreams and commit sexual acts which would include him being violated with a sex toy. Molter lost his sh*t and trashed the woman's car. He smashed her phone, slashed her tires, broke the side mirrors, filled the car with love notes, and topped the tantrum with a used condom. Police also found various creams and lotions in the car. They say that they are not sure if he targeted his girlfriend or the specific car model, which is a Nissan Altima. Molter was arrested for criminal mischief. My Two Cents: Whe...

photo credit: socialkidspot There is no better feeling than sitting down with a hot coffee first thing in the morning. After all, coffee is the only elixir that makes one able to tolerate other people throughout the day (I know, for me, I cannot even deal with people until I've had my 8oz of the good shit-COFFEE!). Coffee does, however, have its evil side. When in the hands of stupid people, coffee can ruin your day. A woman from Victorville , California was allegedly burned by her McDonalds coffee. Selena Edwards claims the coffee was way too hot. Not only that, she states the lid came loose and the hot coffee poured all over her hands, giving her second degree burns. Edwards was so pissed off at McDonalds for her fuck up, that she took pictures of these "burns" and filed a lawsuit against the fast food giant. Her attempt at sucking the money teet of McDonalds failed, and miserably at that. She is now facing 21 counts of workers' and insurance compensatio...

photo credit: ebay (Canada) "Oh my gawd, Becky, look at her butt. It is sooo big. She looks like one of those rap star's girlfriends." In tonight's edition of stupid criminals, we have a woman from Massachusetts who was pulled after cops spotted her swerving over the double yellow lines. Cops pulled over 32 year old Jill Roy, and did their questioning as usual. Suddenly, a bag containing pills and straws fell out of her pant leg. They asked her to get out of the car, and they proceeded to pat her down. The officer noticed that her ass was a bit harder than normal. When the officer inquired about it, Roy told the officer: "I don't have a butt so I wear these and another pair of underwear under it." The officer then told her to take off the exterior underwear. After removing the exterior underwear, the officer noticed that there was a bulge in the other pair of underwear. The underwear was removed and the cops retrieved 2 bags that contained 13 Ox...

Twenty-three year old Allen Hall is being held on $7,500 bail for attempted murder after he went apeshit crazy on his roommate because she ate his cookies. His 49 year old roommate ate 3 of his Chips Ahoy cookies for breakfast and this royally pissed off Hall. While she was in the bathroom, Hall pounded on the door and was threatening to kill her. She thought he was joking. She opened the door and he began to choke her. He threw her down into the tub and strangled her (she suffered a knot on her head). The landlord came in and separated both of them. Police came and arrested Hall. Hall is facing attempted murder charges and aggravated domestic battery. He has a court hearing in early September. ---------------------- All of this over three fucking Chips Ahoy cookies. I guess this dude has a hard-on for the semi-sweet morsels and processed sugary "goodness" that is Chips Ahoy. The last time I got all pissed off about someone eating my cookies, I was in grade schoo...

Here's another one to add to the "dumbest criminals" pile: A 27 year old woman in Illinois stole a dress, put it on when she got home, took a selfie with her bestie, posted it on Facebook, made it her profile picture, and didn't think she was going to get caught. Well, she thought wrong. The people at the store she ripped off weren't stupid. They were tracking Danielle Saxton's every move. The store she stole the dress from is called Mortie's Boutiques. The store has video surveillance and also tracks suspected theft on social media, including Facebook. They had suspected Saxton when they first saw her. Not even 2 hours after Saxton had left the store, Saxton had posted the selfie on Facebook and made it her Facebook profile picture. The boutique saw the photo and notified the police. When the police arrived at the house, not only did they find Saxton in the stolen dress, they found several articles of clothes that she had also stolen from the boutiq...

Straight out of the Bibble dribble belt, we have a story of a woman who used a baby stroller in an attempt to steal a vibrator from a "Spencer's Gifts" store. Misty Ann Lee , of South Carolina, picked up the vibrator and slid it behind the child in the baby stroller, and proceeded to leave the store. The manager confronted her, but Lee had no idea what the manager was talking about. The vibrator was retrieved by the manager. The woman was taken into custody and charged with shoplifting. --------------------------------- I spent 6 years of my life as a whore to the retail gods. I've seen people use all kinds of methods to steal from stores. I've seen people put things in areas that I never thought existed. I've also seen people who were brazen enough to lift items in front of our face and run (yes they were caught)! People are relentless. And these are desperate times. Stealing a vibrator from one of the most scandalous and most popular mall stores is ...