My name is Shauna Silva, and I am...(part three)
Today ends week one of my outpatient treatment for depression and alcohol dependency.
I have already learned a lot this week, and at first I wasn't sure if this specific treatment program was going to be for me. Today, I realized that this program is perfect for me, as I was able to fully confide in my treatment coordinator and really open up about stuff that I had been holding inside.
I wasn't expecting to experience so much emotion this week. For the past two days, a lot of the pain I have been keeping inside has started to come out. I have found myself crying a lot over the past 48 hours. Usually, I would be ashamed of crying so much, but I'm not so ashamed anymore. I'm letting go of a lot of the pain that I have stuffed inside for so long. A good amount of the pain I have been dealing with revolves around the relationship I had been in for over 3 and a half years. While we haven't "officially" broken up, I have been grieving the loss of the relationship. I've tried reaching out to him to see if he wants to talk, because I would like to, at least, save the friendship. My attempts have gone unanswered. It's disappointing, because I gave up so much for that relationship, and I believed in it whole-heartedly. I guess I was the only one who believed in it. Perhaps all of this is happening for a reason, that I need to focus on bettering myself.
I have been grieving the loss of my substance. In one of the groups in the program, they talk about the 5 stages of grief and how addicts grieve the loss of their substance(s) of choice. This has really resonated with me because I have turned to wine in order to ease my back pain, and ease my anxiety and depression. Wine was that friend that was always there for me. Until recently, I didn't know that that "friend" was toxic. Instead of turning my frown upside down, it caused me more depression. It also instilled in me a ton of guilt. Alcohol is a depressant. While it may cause temporary elation, it isn't something that can be depended on. This is something that I totally get now.
Today, we had goals group and we had to pick 2 goals to work on over the next week. My two goals consist of working on my nutrition and implementing meditation into my daily routine. I know that with my nutrition, if I'm eating better, I will feel a sh*t ton better. In terms of meditation, I chose that as a goal because I suffer from racing thoughts. It is hard for me to focus for long periods of time because I have thoughts constantly racing through my head. I become agitated and stressed. With meditation, I can calm those racing thoughts, calm my anxiety, and become more of a level-headed person.
There are other things that I want to work on, such as going to bed at a decent hour, and waking up at the same time everyday (whether or not I have treatment that day, physical therapy, or a doctor's appointment).
One thing that I am hard at work on is taking my medication at the same time everyday. My new psychiatrist started me on Lithium for Bipolar disorder. I just started taking it 3 days ago. It is going to take some time before I begin feeling better. I am also taking another medication to help with my depression. I have this tendency to forget to take my meds, so instead of taking meds in the morning, I am going to take my meds at night.
Anyways, my treatment is a 4 week program, and I can't believe next week is week two. I can't wait to see where I am at the end of the program. I'm actually quite proud of myself for doing this. I've never actually spent the time to take care of myself. I think going into treatment is the best gift I could ever give myself. It is going to be a hard journey, but I know I will make it through.
"My name is Shauna Silva, and I am dependent on alcohol, and I suffer from depression and bipolar disorder."
I have already learned a lot this week, and at first I wasn't sure if this specific treatment program was going to be for me. Today, I realized that this program is perfect for me, as I was able to fully confide in my treatment coordinator and really open up about stuff that I had been holding inside.
I wasn't expecting to experience so much emotion this week. For the past two days, a lot of the pain I have been keeping inside has started to come out. I have found myself crying a lot over the past 48 hours. Usually, I would be ashamed of crying so much, but I'm not so ashamed anymore. I'm letting go of a lot of the pain that I have stuffed inside for so long. A good amount of the pain I have been dealing with revolves around the relationship I had been in for over 3 and a half years. While we haven't "officially" broken up, I have been grieving the loss of the relationship. I've tried reaching out to him to see if he wants to talk, because I would like to, at least, save the friendship. My attempts have gone unanswered. It's disappointing, because I gave up so much for that relationship, and I believed in it whole-heartedly. I guess I was the only one who believed in it. Perhaps all of this is happening for a reason, that I need to focus on bettering myself.
I have been grieving the loss of my substance. In one of the groups in the program, they talk about the 5 stages of grief and how addicts grieve the loss of their substance(s) of choice. This has really resonated with me because I have turned to wine in order to ease my back pain, and ease my anxiety and depression. Wine was that friend that was always there for me. Until recently, I didn't know that that "friend" was toxic. Instead of turning my frown upside down, it caused me more depression. It also instilled in me a ton of guilt. Alcohol is a depressant. While it may cause temporary elation, it isn't something that can be depended on. This is something that I totally get now.
Today, we had goals group and we had to pick 2 goals to work on over the next week. My two goals consist of working on my nutrition and implementing meditation into my daily routine. I know that with my nutrition, if I'm eating better, I will feel a sh*t ton better. In terms of meditation, I chose that as a goal because I suffer from racing thoughts. It is hard for me to focus for long periods of time because I have thoughts constantly racing through my head. I become agitated and stressed. With meditation, I can calm those racing thoughts, calm my anxiety, and become more of a level-headed person.
There are other things that I want to work on, such as going to bed at a decent hour, and waking up at the same time everyday (whether or not I have treatment that day, physical therapy, or a doctor's appointment).
One thing that I am hard at work on is taking my medication at the same time everyday. My new psychiatrist started me on Lithium for Bipolar disorder. I just started taking it 3 days ago. It is going to take some time before I begin feeling better. I am also taking another medication to help with my depression. I have this tendency to forget to take my meds, so instead of taking meds in the morning, I am going to take my meds at night.
Anyways, my treatment is a 4 week program, and I can't believe next week is week two. I can't wait to see where I am at the end of the program. I'm actually quite proud of myself for doing this. I've never actually spent the time to take care of myself. I think going into treatment is the best gift I could ever give myself. It is going to be a hard journey, but I know I will make it through.
"My name is Shauna Silva, and I am dependent on alcohol, and I suffer from depression and bipolar disorder."
