My name is Shauna Silva, and I am... (part two)
Good evening everyone.
It's been a crazy time lately, and the thing that I have been noticing is that I am feeling everything. With all the stress that I'm under with moving out of my boyfriend (I still call him my boyfriend because we aren't officially over. Right now, we are separated)'s house, back home, dealing with my spinal issues, dealing with the possibility of having Crohn's disease, having all these doctor appointments, and beginning treatment soon, I have become drained in every aspect of the word.
Before, I would be drinking wine like water in order to numb the stress. Now that I'm becoming sober, I am feeling so much and it's overwhelming.
Yesterday, I was dealing with so much that I swear my vision was going away. I ended up going to bed at 7:30pm. This morning, I woke up and my vision was fine. I'm pretty sure the blurred and faded vision was due to stress.
This morning, I went to my boyfriend's house to get some of my stuff out. I'm not sure what is going to happen in the future for us, but I'm preparing myself for the relationship to be officially over.
The other day, his mother blocked me on Facebook (for no reason whatsoever). To me, it was a huge betrayal and a slap in the face, because she was the only person in that family (besides my boyfriend) that I trusted. Once someone on that level of trust betrays me, they never get a second chance. Yes, I have a lot of problems going on, but that doesn't lessen who I am as a person. The simple fact that I am getting help should be admirable.
I was destroyed. I wanted to drink. I was very upset. I ended up deleting his entire family so I could just disappear for a while without any drama. I need to work on me and not have negativity in my life. If I don't work on me, I'm not going to make it in any aspect of life. In fact, if I don't spend the time to work on me, I will probably die. I want to achieve overall inner peace, happiness, and have love for myself. I want to be healthy and fulfilled.
Whenever I start to feel emotions that are painful and overwhelming, I try to think about the other side of this. It makes me hopeful for the woman I will become. If I end up alone in the end, I won't be upset. I want to know that I achieved inner peace and happiness. After everything that I have been through in my life, and am currently going through, I will be satisfied on my death bed that I achieved inner peace and happiness.
Right now, it is f*cking hard. I'm trying to take one day at a time, but even that seems to be too overwhelming. This is the first time in years where I am allowing myself to feel something. For the longest time, I've either held it in until I explode, or I numb my feelings with alcohol (and/or cutting). I think if I allow myself to feel everything, it will make me a stronger person. I'm looking forward to learning ways to manage these feelings so they aren't so chaotic.
As for my relationship, I know what my heart wants: the happily ever after. My head, on the other hand, wants me to work on myself before I dive further in this relationship (or any relationship).
Anyways, I'm probably going to call it an early night again. My back is killing me and I'm still pretty drained.
Those of you who are beginning your road to wellness and sobriety, we are in this together. It is f*cking hard as hell right now. Take things minute by minute. Take time out for yourself. Oh, and keep hydrated with water. Water is a f*cking lifesaver during these first few weeks!
My name is Shauna Silva, and I suffer from severe depression and alcohol dependency.
It's been a crazy time lately, and the thing that I have been noticing is that I am feeling everything. With all the stress that I'm under with moving out of my boyfriend (I still call him my boyfriend because we aren't officially over. Right now, we are separated)'s house, back home, dealing with my spinal issues, dealing with the possibility of having Crohn's disease, having all these doctor appointments, and beginning treatment soon, I have become drained in every aspect of the word.
Before, I would be drinking wine like water in order to numb the stress. Now that I'm becoming sober, I am feeling so much and it's overwhelming.
Yesterday, I was dealing with so much that I swear my vision was going away. I ended up going to bed at 7:30pm. This morning, I woke up and my vision was fine. I'm pretty sure the blurred and faded vision was due to stress.
This morning, I went to my boyfriend's house to get some of my stuff out. I'm not sure what is going to happen in the future for us, but I'm preparing myself for the relationship to be officially over.
The other day, his mother blocked me on Facebook (for no reason whatsoever). To me, it was a huge betrayal and a slap in the face, because she was the only person in that family (besides my boyfriend) that I trusted. Once someone on that level of trust betrays me, they never get a second chance. Yes, I have a lot of problems going on, but that doesn't lessen who I am as a person. The simple fact that I am getting help should be admirable.
I was destroyed. I wanted to drink. I was very upset. I ended up deleting his entire family so I could just disappear for a while without any drama. I need to work on me and not have negativity in my life. If I don't work on me, I'm not going to make it in any aspect of life. In fact, if I don't spend the time to work on me, I will probably die. I want to achieve overall inner peace, happiness, and have love for myself. I want to be healthy and fulfilled.
Whenever I start to feel emotions that are painful and overwhelming, I try to think about the other side of this. It makes me hopeful for the woman I will become. If I end up alone in the end, I won't be upset. I want to know that I achieved inner peace and happiness. After everything that I have been through in my life, and am currently going through, I will be satisfied on my death bed that I achieved inner peace and happiness.
Right now, it is f*cking hard. I'm trying to take one day at a time, but even that seems to be too overwhelming. This is the first time in years where I am allowing myself to feel something. For the longest time, I've either held it in until I explode, or I numb my feelings with alcohol (and/or cutting). I think if I allow myself to feel everything, it will make me a stronger person. I'm looking forward to learning ways to manage these feelings so they aren't so chaotic.
As for my relationship, I know what my heart wants: the happily ever after. My head, on the other hand, wants me to work on myself before I dive further in this relationship (or any relationship).
Anyways, I'm probably going to call it an early night again. My back is killing me and I'm still pretty drained.
Those of you who are beginning your road to wellness and sobriety, we are in this together. It is f*cking hard as hell right now. Take things minute by minute. Take time out for yourself. Oh, and keep hydrated with water. Water is a f*cking lifesaver during these first few weeks!
My name is Shauna Silva, and I suffer from severe depression and alcohol dependency.
