My name is Shauna Silva and I am...(part one)
Good day, readers! I have decided to start a series about receiving help for severe depression and alcohol dependency.
As most of you know, I have been suffering from a painful spinal condition for nearly 3 years now. Since the pain started in 2013, I have noticed my mental state decline. This year, however, things have taken a turn for the worse. With my spine continuing to deteriorate, I have become more depressed. My neurosurgeon told me that I need to stop working until we find out what the problem is and fix it. In my personal life, my mental decline had taken its toll on my long-term relationship with the 'love of my life.' I decided to move back home to see if the distance may help both of us. Unfortunately, it hasn't. I discussed the two of us taking a break from one another and he agreed. We plan on getting together sometime next month so we can see where to go from there. While the separation was my idea, I haven't been taking it well. A few weeks ago, I contemplated suicide. Almost everyday, I think about cutting (which is a behavior I have done on and off since age 7).
I cry everyday, and I have noticed that my drinking has increased a lot in the last year or two.
This past week, I decided that I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to be happy. I decided to enter a partial hospitalization program on an outpatient basis. I will be going in 3 times a week for most of the day and I will receive intense treatment (consisting of many therapy sessions).
Yesterday, I had my intake and with my depression and the amount I have been drinking, I will be treated for severe depression and alcohol dependency (I never thought about my alcohol intake being a problem).
Last night, I decided to get all of my wine and Bacardi bottles out of my room. When I went to remove my bottles of merlot and port wine, I actually started to hesitate. I was staring at the bottles and almost started to cry. I thought about hiding them under the bed. I started pacing my room, trying to pep talk myself into getting the bottles out of the room. After a few minutes, I removed the bottles from my room.
After I closed the door, I realized that I do have a problem. While I may not be an alcoholic, or suffering from alcohol addiction, I do have a dependency on it (addiction and dependency are two different things).
Ever since last night, I have become more hopeful and excited about going into treatment.
While airing my dirty laundry may be frowned upon by some of you, I'm not writing all this sh*t to receive sympathy. I could care less about sympathy. I'm writing all this to chronicle my journey in hopes that it inspires others to get treatment for mental illness and/or substance abuse.
The pain I'm experiencing from my health declining, and from my relationship woes, runs deep. I am in treatment to get help before it is too late. I carry a lot of weight on my shoulders. I constantly blame myself for everything that is wrong with me. I blame myself for putting my boyfriend and his family through hell because of my health issues. I blame myself for putting my friends and family through hell. This is not healthy. I'M NOT HEALTHY. But, I know one day I will be. I've taken the first step to being healthy and happy by accepting the help that is around me. I know I have a long journey ahead of me, but I know the end result will be worth it.
I begin treatment on the 21st of this month. I have pledged to my therapist to stop drinking from now on. I have pledged to call someone if I feel like hurting myself.
I wanted to chronicle my journey to mental health and sobriety. My posts will have the above title, and what ever part I am on. It will be a long series, but I know it will be helpful to someone going through similar situations.
"My name is Shauna Silva, and I suffer from severe depression, bipolar disorder, and alcohol dependency."
As most of you know, I have been suffering from a painful spinal condition for nearly 3 years now. Since the pain started in 2013, I have noticed my mental state decline. This year, however, things have taken a turn for the worse. With my spine continuing to deteriorate, I have become more depressed. My neurosurgeon told me that I need to stop working until we find out what the problem is and fix it. In my personal life, my mental decline had taken its toll on my long-term relationship with the 'love of my life.' I decided to move back home to see if the distance may help both of us. Unfortunately, it hasn't. I discussed the two of us taking a break from one another and he agreed. We plan on getting together sometime next month so we can see where to go from there. While the separation was my idea, I haven't been taking it well. A few weeks ago, I contemplated suicide. Almost everyday, I think about cutting (which is a behavior I have done on and off since age 7).
I cry everyday, and I have noticed that my drinking has increased a lot in the last year or two.
This past week, I decided that I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to be happy. I decided to enter a partial hospitalization program on an outpatient basis. I will be going in 3 times a week for most of the day and I will receive intense treatment (consisting of many therapy sessions).
Yesterday, I had my intake and with my depression and the amount I have been drinking, I will be treated for severe depression and alcohol dependency (I never thought about my alcohol intake being a problem).
Last night, I decided to get all of my wine and Bacardi bottles out of my room. When I went to remove my bottles of merlot and port wine, I actually started to hesitate. I was staring at the bottles and almost started to cry. I thought about hiding them under the bed. I started pacing my room, trying to pep talk myself into getting the bottles out of the room. After a few minutes, I removed the bottles from my room.
After I closed the door, I realized that I do have a problem. While I may not be an alcoholic, or suffering from alcohol addiction, I do have a dependency on it (addiction and dependency are two different things).
Ever since last night, I have become more hopeful and excited about going into treatment.
While airing my dirty laundry may be frowned upon by some of you, I'm not writing all this sh*t to receive sympathy. I could care less about sympathy. I'm writing all this to chronicle my journey in hopes that it inspires others to get treatment for mental illness and/or substance abuse.
The pain I'm experiencing from my health declining, and from my relationship woes, runs deep. I am in treatment to get help before it is too late. I carry a lot of weight on my shoulders. I constantly blame myself for everything that is wrong with me. I blame myself for putting my boyfriend and his family through hell because of my health issues. I blame myself for putting my friends and family through hell. This is not healthy. I'M NOT HEALTHY. But, I know one day I will be. I've taken the first step to being healthy and happy by accepting the help that is around me. I know I have a long journey ahead of me, but I know the end result will be worth it.
I begin treatment on the 21st of this month. I have pledged to my therapist to stop drinking from now on. I have pledged to call someone if I feel like hurting myself.
I wanted to chronicle my journey to mental health and sobriety. My posts will have the above title, and what ever part I am on. It will be a long series, but I know it will be helpful to someone going through similar situations.
"My name is Shauna Silva, and I suffer from severe depression, bipolar disorder, and alcohol dependency."
