What rock bottom really looks like
This is going to be a fairly serious post, and the only reason why I am writing this is because I know that many people out there are dealing with struggles. I want you all to know that you're not alone.
I also want to share the phone number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, for anyone who is feeling hopeless, and is contemplating hurting themselves: 1-800-273-8255.
For two and a half years, I been dealing with significant back pain. In 2014, I had a back surgery and the recovery was very tough. During my one year check up, the CT Scan and X-Ray showed that the surgery failed. While I was still dealing with moderate to severe pain, I still wanted to live my life like a normal human being, so I decided to go back to work. My pain levels increased substantially. My neurosurgeon told me that I needed to lower my part-time hours at my job. I told my boss and they fired me immediately. I figured that maybe it was the job that was causing the increase in pain, so I looked for another job. I had been hired at a really nice company and I was really loving the job. My pain levels got to the point where I had trouble walking (which is something I have plenty of experience with). I called my neurosurgeon and he had me go for an MRI. The next day, I saw the neurosurgeon. He told me that my L5/S1 discs are pretty much shot (my surgery in 2014 took place at the l4/l5 discs). He told me that he does NOT want me working at all. This was devastating for me to hear. At 32 years old, to be told that you cannot do what millions of people do, it makes you feel like less of a person. The neurosurgeon is having me get a cortisone shot and go for physical therapy. If these two treatments do not help, I will need another surgery. I had to quit the job that I grew to love, and they did NOT understand. In fact, I got chewed out for it. They knew my situation before they hired me. At the same time, I moved out of my boyfriend's house and back home. It's been a few weeks since I officially moved back, and I was doing well for a while.
Yesterday, everything hit me. Not only was I in pain (as usual), I was feeling like less of a human being. I felt like I was losing control. I felt like a burden to my friends, my family, and on society as a whole. I was feeling detached from my boyfriend and feeling like an inadequate partner. I started to get a massive migraine and I was just an emotional mess. I actually had a rough conversation with my best friend of 30+ years, and it was one where I was afraid that I would lose out friendship because of the contents of the conversation.
Last night, I was feeling out of control. I was feeling so useless and helpless that I contemplated hurting myself, and suicide. This was the first time in 15 years where I had an actual plan in place. I wanted to reach out to a friend, and even my boyfriend because I needed to hear a friendly voice. I didn't make any calls because I didn't want to burden anyone with my problems (plus it was very late). I grabbed my cell phone and thought about calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, just so I would have someone to talk to. As I was about to make the phone call, my emotions were so heavy that I became very sick. I spent a good chunk of the overnight hours throwing up.
I didn't sleep well at all and this morning I am very weak. I am calling this time in my life my "rock bottom."
I'm not writing all of this to get your sympathy. I am writing this to help others know that they aren't alone. I have struggled emotionally my entire life, and I don't do well with serious life issues. It's been a rollercoaster the past few years. 3 and a half years ago, I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. I was emotionally strong, physically fit, and I was finally with a man that I had waited years for. The day my back gave out on me, that part of me died.
It was my decision to move back to my hometown. I needed to heal and I couldn't do any of that while living with my boyfriend. In fact, if I had continued to live with him, we probably wouldn't have lasted much longer.
Sometimes you need to make a lot of hard decisions and sacrifices when it comes to taking care of yourself. Of course, I spoke to my boyfriend about everything and he just wants me to be happy. We are still together, but we are slowing things down so I can recover. I'm not well, physically and emotionally. I need to get back to being that confident woman I was 3 and a half years ago. If not for myself, but for the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
My advice to anyone going through similar emotional turmoil: Do NOT be afraid to make sacrifices for the betterment of you. You need to give yourself time to heal. People may think you're crazy, but their opinion doesn't matter.
I know that my advice is easier said than done. But understand that I'm writing this during the thick of my rock bottom. I'm keeping the image of who I used to be in my head as inspiration to fight back against this depression. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. When it comes to life and death, you don't get a do-over when you end it all. If you're alive, you still have an excellent chance to turn things around. It's going to be hard and it may take a while, but you will get there. On that day when you realize you are happy with yourself, you are going to be so thankful that you didn't go through with suicide.
From one rock bottom sufferer to another, hang in there. Do NOT push out people who love you.
Again, if you are thinking about hurting yourself, or contemplating suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. This is a number that I am putting on speed dial so I have someone to talk to when I'm feeling low.
If you need to reach out to someone who is going through similar situations, you can reach me on here.
Do not be afraid. You can get through this. WE can get through this.
I also want to share the phone number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, for anyone who is feeling hopeless, and is contemplating hurting themselves: 1-800-273-8255.
Onto my story:
For two and a half years, I been dealing with significant back pain. In 2014, I had a back surgery and the recovery was very tough. During my one year check up, the CT Scan and X-Ray showed that the surgery failed. While I was still dealing with moderate to severe pain, I still wanted to live my life like a normal human being, so I decided to go back to work. My pain levels increased substantially. My neurosurgeon told me that I needed to lower my part-time hours at my job. I told my boss and they fired me immediately. I figured that maybe it was the job that was causing the increase in pain, so I looked for another job. I had been hired at a really nice company and I was really loving the job. My pain levels got to the point where I had trouble walking (which is something I have plenty of experience with). I called my neurosurgeon and he had me go for an MRI. The next day, I saw the neurosurgeon. He told me that my L5/S1 discs are pretty much shot (my surgery in 2014 took place at the l4/l5 discs). He told me that he does NOT want me working at all. This was devastating for me to hear. At 32 years old, to be told that you cannot do what millions of people do, it makes you feel like less of a person. The neurosurgeon is having me get a cortisone shot and go for physical therapy. If these two treatments do not help, I will need another surgery. I had to quit the job that I grew to love, and they did NOT understand. In fact, I got chewed out for it. They knew my situation before they hired me. At the same time, I moved out of my boyfriend's house and back home. It's been a few weeks since I officially moved back, and I was doing well for a while.
Yesterday, everything hit me. Not only was I in pain (as usual), I was feeling like less of a human being. I felt like I was losing control. I felt like a burden to my friends, my family, and on society as a whole. I was feeling detached from my boyfriend and feeling like an inadequate partner. I started to get a massive migraine and I was just an emotional mess. I actually had a rough conversation with my best friend of 30+ years, and it was one where I was afraid that I would lose out friendship because of the contents of the conversation.
Last night, I was feeling out of control. I was feeling so useless and helpless that I contemplated hurting myself, and suicide. This was the first time in 15 years where I had an actual plan in place. I wanted to reach out to a friend, and even my boyfriend because I needed to hear a friendly voice. I didn't make any calls because I didn't want to burden anyone with my problems (plus it was very late). I grabbed my cell phone and thought about calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, just so I would have someone to talk to. As I was about to make the phone call, my emotions were so heavy that I became very sick. I spent a good chunk of the overnight hours throwing up.
I didn't sleep well at all and this morning I am very weak. I am calling this time in my life my "rock bottom."
I'm not writing all of this to get your sympathy. I am writing this to help others know that they aren't alone. I have struggled emotionally my entire life, and I don't do well with serious life issues. It's been a rollercoaster the past few years. 3 and a half years ago, I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. I was emotionally strong, physically fit, and I was finally with a man that I had waited years for. The day my back gave out on me, that part of me died.
It was my decision to move back to my hometown. I needed to heal and I couldn't do any of that while living with my boyfriend. In fact, if I had continued to live with him, we probably wouldn't have lasted much longer.
Sometimes you need to make a lot of hard decisions and sacrifices when it comes to taking care of yourself. Of course, I spoke to my boyfriend about everything and he just wants me to be happy. We are still together, but we are slowing things down so I can recover. I'm not well, physically and emotionally. I need to get back to being that confident woman I was 3 and a half years ago. If not for myself, but for the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
My advice to anyone going through similar emotional turmoil: Do NOT be afraid to make sacrifices for the betterment of you. You need to give yourself time to heal. People may think you're crazy, but their opinion doesn't matter.
I know that my advice is easier said than done. But understand that I'm writing this during the thick of my rock bottom. I'm keeping the image of who I used to be in my head as inspiration to fight back against this depression. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. When it comes to life and death, you don't get a do-over when you end it all. If you're alive, you still have an excellent chance to turn things around. It's going to be hard and it may take a while, but you will get there. On that day when you realize you are happy with yourself, you are going to be so thankful that you didn't go through with suicide.
From one rock bottom sufferer to another, hang in there. Do NOT push out people who love you.
Again, if you are thinking about hurting yourself, or contemplating suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. This is a number that I am putting on speed dial so I have someone to talk to when I'm feeling low.
If you need to reach out to someone who is going through similar situations, you can reach me on here.
Do not be afraid. You can get through this. WE can get through this.
All my love and support,
Shauna Silva
Shauna Silva
