Blurbal Perspective

Photo Credit: montrealgazette Today in Dumb Criminals, we have a man in Kentucky who quickly found out that playing with fire easily gets you burned. A surveillance camera caught the entire event on video. In the video, a white minivan pulled up in front of a new business. The driver emerged from the vehicle and swung an object at the door several times. The driver then tossed a Molotov cocktail at the door and the business caught on fire. Not only did the business catch fire, the arsonist caught on fire as well. Instead of stopping, dropping, and rolling, the suspect fled to a nearby grassy area, throwing an ignited shoe in the process. Police in Kentucky are still looking for the suspect, as well as his accomplices.

Photo Credit: hypebeast We are midway through summer 2016, and if you haven't booked your family vacation, consider Toronto, Canada. While you're in Toronto, check out the newest hotspot: Poop Cafe Dessert Bar. Poop Cafe Dessert Bar is expected to open in August, and offer Asian desserts shaped in poop-like formations. The person who dreamed up the restaurant, Lien Nguyen, is quick to defend the vision she has for her restaurant. She states that she wants to make poop cute. While this is already 'a thing' in Asia, Nguyen is hoping to take it one step further by having fake toilets as seats, and offering the desserts on dishes that resemble urinals. Photo Credit: independentuk It's a 'once in a lifetime' experience. Bring the family and experience this classy restaurant in person. My Two Cents I don't want to knock someone's creativity, and I love bathroom humor as much as the next person, but this is taking it way too far. NO t...

Now that we are smack dab in the middle of engagement season, everyone is looking for ways to tell that special someone that they are "the one." Well, one young man from Michigan thought that grandest gesture would be to propose to his lady love over the loudspeaker at Walmart. A 25-year-old William Cornelius purchased a $29.96 engagement ring and asked for 20-year-old Sheri Moore's hand in marriage. She said 'yes' and both embraced. Walmart customers cheered the couple on as they shared their moment. Once the romantic moment was over, William Cornelius went over to Spencer's Gifts to get sex toys for his beloved. He swiped $80.93 worth of items from the store. Some of the items found on Cornelius include: "Bride-to-Be" thong Vibrator Edible thong BJ oral blast candy for oral sex Cornelius admitted to police that he stole the items for his lady love. He was arrested, along with his lady love. Turns out, Moore stole a few items from W...

As if the Kim Davis saga couldn't get anymore disturbing, we have this story, brought to you by The New Civil Rights Movement . According to The New Civil Rights Movement, Dogfart Network (yes, it is a real site), made an offer to Kim Davis in an attempt for her to redeem herself. They offered her $500,000 to do an interracial lesbian scene for their Zebra Girls porn site: “We here at Dogfart have always believed in equality. We have interracial sites, gay sites, straight sites, and we think Kim Davis has been appalling. We are giving her a chance at a redemption. We are willing to drop half a million bucks for Kim to come out to our studio and shoot an Interracial Lesbian scene for our network. The offer will stand for the next week." The folks over at Dogfart took it a step further, inviting her family to come with her, all expenses paid. There is no word on whether Kim Davis has accepted the deal, or whether she will be wearing that sexy jumper that she always rocks i...

Fifty-two year old Roberto Esquivel Cabrera of Mexico is said to have the world's largest penis. While many dudes around the world would love to have an ample dong, Cabrera states that he is unable to work, and women are scared to be intimate with him. Cabrera is on assistance and is trying to get on disability. His penis measures nearly 19 inches long and the tip is nearly 10 inches. Cabrera is being tested by medical doctors to see if there is anything that can be done so Cabrera can live a normal life. Dr. Philip Werthman, who is based out of Los Angeles, heard about Cabrera's story and said that there is a procedure than can be done, and it's sort of like a "very big circumcision." Werthman believes that the appendage is excess skin. It is unclear as to how Cabrera achieved such a dong. My Two Cents: My heart goes out to Cabrera. It must be * hard *....I mean, difficult...to live in such painful circumstances. It must * suck *...I mean stink. Truly...

photo credit: DailyMailUK So, a man by the name of Aaron Stein decided to rob a bank using a sex toy . The sex toy was wrapped up in duct tape. He allegedly showed a bank teller wires that were hanging out of his shirt. He demanded cash from the teller and fled the scene with an unknown amount of cash. The weird part about the story (besides the sex toy) is that he called police on himself. Officer Mike Gastgeb spotted sex toy guy in a white Toyota sedan. He went over to confront sex toy guy but he drove off. Gastgeb was able to stop him eventually. The money was found in a garbage bag on the passenger seat. Underneath said seat was the "bomb." Despite the fact that there was no bomb to speak of, the bomb squad arrived on the scene. Some time later, Stein broke down and told police that he had lost all of his money in the stock market last week and he was hella desperate (a lot of people lose money in the stock market. Most just put a bullet in their head and cal...

photo credit: HuffPostWeirdNews Today's "What the F*ck" report is brought to you by Logan, Utah, where a man tried to steal a car, but failed when he couldn't figure out how to use the stick shift. Nineteen year old Alexander Katz was with his underage girlfriend when they attempted to steal this car. Katz got into the front seat and his girlfriend tried to walk him through the process on how to drive the car. The dude gave up and abandoned the car. Then, they called a cab at a nearby gas station. Police caught up to the dynamic duo. The duo tried to run off but the police officers caught up to Katz's girlfriend. In her statement, she told police that she and Katz started their night off by trying to score some Benedryl. Then they came up with the brillant plan to steal a car. Katz was arrested a few hours later. Police Chief Gary Jensen had this to say about the duo: "I'm not 100 percent certain why she doesn't just get around and get ...

Adam Hirtle of Colorado was sitting home bored one night, and thought "Hmm, I wonder what it would feel like to shoot my own foot." Well, homeboy took his .22 caliber, semi-automatic handgun and pulled the trigger. After shooting himself in the foot, he put a boot on and did it again. In case you were wondering, his injuries were not life-threatening. Hirtle was arrested for reckless endangerment, child abuse (one or more kids were around when he did this), and prohibited use of a weapon. My Two Cents: *pushes papers off desk, stands up with hands in the air.* I give up! Folks, this is why we cannot have nice things. Dear god, please tell me that you were on meth when you allowed this dipsh*t to be conceived by his inbred parents?

Get ready for the most 'out of this world' story you will hear all week. Five years ago, a woman in Spain claimed ownership of the sun (you know, that bright round object in the sky that gives us warmth, tans, and solar flares? Yeah, that one.). While it is illegal for an individual to claim ownership of a celestial body, Maria Duran found a legal loophole. The treaty in her country does not ban individuals from staking claim in celestial bodies. Duran even had her ownership of the sun notorized. The problem here is, the width of the sun became too much real estate for Duran to handle, so she decided to sell some of the land on eBay ($1 for 11 sq. feet of land). Ebay shut down her operation before she could cash out on her 600+ orders. Duran got 'heated' and decided to sue eBay for $11,000. Apparently there isn't anything keeping her (legally speaking) from suing eBay. I guess we shall see how this one plays out. o_0 "B*tch, I owned the sun long be...

Before I begin.... When I read this story, I physically pushed my laptop away from me and facepalmed. I never thought humanity could sink any lower than we already are. Anyways, onto the story: Apparently, a designer has invented a special way we can mourn the loss of a significant other/spouse: put their ashes in a dildo and get on the road to funkytown. Mark Sturkenboom designed the "Memory Box," which contains the following: A dildo An iPhone slot so you can listen to tunes while you pleasure yourself with the ashes of your dead spouse. A bronze key that one can wear as a necklace A scent diffuser that will keep the whole "Memory Box" "fresh." My Two Cents: Folks, this is precisely why aliens won't talk to us. I have heard a lot of depraved things in my lifetime, but this just entered my 'most depraved thing I've ever heard' list at number 2. I understand that losing a spouse or a significant other is one of the mos...

photo credit: weinterrupt A dude in Kentucky was arrested after police say that he rode a horse while intoxicated. 40 year old Michael Kimmel told police that he "didn't do sh*t," and that he was just riding his horse. Police arrived at the scene when people complained about the drunk rider. The police released the following report: "The arrest report, filed by Trooper J. Gabbard, says [Kimmel] was ordered to stop, but instead he ran down an embankment, fleeing on foot, wearing only a brown hat, jeans, and boots. During the search for the suspect, police say the found his clothing on the back porch of his own house." Police caught up with Mr. Kimmel and arrested him. He is, however, on probation for a burglary charge. Now he faces DUI charges and evading police. photo credit: HuffPost Now, how is he going to explain this to his cellmates? Breaking probation to evade police by drunk riding a horse. Wow. Just, wow. My Two Cents: I totally und...

photo credit: teanaga Normally when a man likes a woman, he would send flowers, poke them on Facebook, send chocolates, buy a teddy bear, sing them a cheesy ballad, etc. A man in Minnesota used another approach in order to woo the object of his desire. Robert John Lind decided to drop his pants and rub one out in his crush's coffee cup. The woman contacted police after catching Lind in the act. She told police that she caught Lind in a compromising position near her coffee cup. When Lind turned to face the object of his desire, he looked at her like a deer in headlights. She inspected her entire desk and noticed a very foul smell coming from her cup. She described the smell as being similar to urine, but more strange. She later told police that this had been an ongoing issue. Lind did confess to the cops that he did jerk off in the woman's coffee cup....a total of 4 times. He did ejaculate in her cup twice. He also stated that he was crushing hard on the woman and tha...

photo credit: Gawker This week in odd news: A man, who goes by the name of "Farm Daddy," decided to get rather cozy with a statue he thought was the Lincoln Memorial. The act was photographed and shared on Twitter. It shows Farm Daddy in his birthday suit, face-humping the statue. The guy was classy enough to keep his socks on, however. Reasons as to why the guy decided to get oral from a marble statue are not known. My only thought is that there weren't any hookers in the general vicinity to face-hump. Note: It was later determined that the dude face-humped Alexander Graham Bell's statue (bad call on his part). I wonder if he was screaming out Lincoln's name while getting pleasured by the marble version of the phone inventor.

photo credit: The Raw Story via TLC Just when you thought that the Duggars could not get any weirder, here comes the kissing lesson. On a recent episode of "19 Kids and Counting," Jim Bob and Michelle counsel Jessa and Ben on communication in a marriage. Jim Bob:" Both of you'll like the physical relationship, but the guy, that'll be kinda the main focus. But, for a woman, communicating is the most important thing." Then, the counseling session segwayed into a kissing lesson. Jim Bob: "Let me show y'all the best way to kiss, here. If you kiss straight on, your noses hit together.So you have to turn, she turns one way and I turn the other." Jessa coos at her parents kissing one another, saying: "You guys are so cute." Excuse me for a moment....    My Two Cents:  I had my first real kiss when I was 15. It was with a guy I really liked, who liked me back (which was unheard of in my frizzy hair, morbidly obes...

photo credit: memecenter Just when you thought you had seen it all, the Vajankle graces us with its presence (pic below). The Vajankle is exactly what you think it might be: a foot with a vagina. This life-like replica of a dismembered human foot has a realistic looking vagina that goes all the way down into the ankle. The foot has perfectly pedicured toes and a smooth surface. Sin Boutique is an adult website that happens to sell this, uhhmm, sex toy. They had this to say about the newest addition to the marital aid family: "These quirky feet have a vagina built right in at the ankle! The vajankle is in the left foot only. You can order the vajankle independently, or as a pair with the standard right foot." photo credit: Jezebel My two cents: Now, I understand that some men have foot fetishes, but I have to hope that a Vajankle would be taking things too far (even for them). I mean, why would anyone buy a replica of a dismembered foot and f*ck it...

photo credit: dailyvideostv Everybody panic! Monster Energy drinks are satanic! A "respected" religious lady claims that Satan is hiding between the L-carnitine and Pyridoxine Hydrochloride in Monster beverages. She points out how the M on the Monster cans look like the Hebrew number 6. With 3 sixes, that is the "sign of the beast," according to her. Anyone who knows anything about the Hebrew language knows that 666 isn't written like that. Of course, logic went WAYY over this woman's head and is in another galaxy far, far away. (My grandmother went through a Jewish phase and taught me Hebrew when I was a wee lass). Also, the woman says that the cross inside the "o" is satanic. Oh, and the BFC on the side of the can is "seriously bad" (as it means "big fucking cans"). The woman goes on to say that Monster's slogan, "Unleash the Beast" is a Satan reference. Ahh, conspiracy theories...you gotta love them! Y...

photo credit: socialkidspot There is no better feeling than sitting down with a hot coffee first thing in the morning. After all, coffee is the only elixir that makes one able to tolerate other people throughout the day (I know, for me, I cannot even deal with people until I've had my 8oz of the good shit-COFFEE!). Coffee does, however, have its evil side. When in the hands of stupid people, coffee can ruin your day. A woman from Victorville , California was allegedly burned by her McDonalds coffee. Selena Edwards claims the coffee was way too hot. Not only that, she states the lid came loose and the hot coffee poured all over her hands, giving her second degree burns. Edwards was so pissed off at McDonalds for her fuck up, that she took pictures of these "burns" and filed a lawsuit against the fast food giant. Her attempt at sucking the money teet of McDonalds failed, and miserably at that. She is now facing 21 counts of workers' and insurance compensatio...

photo credit: Advocate Last week, a story broke that semen from sodomites are in your Starbucks beverage. The Inquisitr originally broke the news that semen was supposedly found in lattes and the FDA was investigating the claim. Harlem-based pastor, James David Manning, believes that the semen found at Starbucks is from sodomites. In a recent video, Manning said that sodomites frequent Starbucks and a lot of bodily fluids are exchanged there. Starbucks takes semen specimens from the customers, and blends it into the lattes, giving us a euphoric feeling as we drink it. He says that the semen flavors the coffee. Readers, I don't even know where to begin with this one. Of course, homophobia runs rampant in this story, which isn't surprising, given who is talking in the video. The guy is well-known for his homophobic slander. Manning once said that gay people are to blame for bringing ebola to NYC. Hmm, last I checked, the reason why ebola was found in NYC was because som...