Blurbal Perspective

A man in Florida was apprehended after being caught shoplifting sex toys from a Spencer's Gifts shop in Vero Beach, Florida. Thirty-three year old Christopher Masters was arrested after the store manager witnessed Masters place two sex toys down his shorts. Among the toys in his possession were the "Arouzed Screw Butt Plug," and the "Arouz'd Stroker Can." Masters admitted to Spencer Gifts security team that he had the money to purchase the items, but he didn't want to be seen purchasing them (the items were worth $30). Masters was charged with misdemeanor shoplifting. Later that night, he posted a $500 bond and was released. My Two Cents: Dude f*cked himself more than the can or butt plug ever would. Next time, just buy the sex toys. Better yet, don't get the sex toys at Spencer Gifts. Only teenagers and 20-somethings shop there. Go to a real sex store. No need to be embarrassed to shop there since other patrons are there for the same t...

In the early morning hours of December 11, 2015, 55 year old Dawn Meikle was woken up by her husband's flatulence . She elbowed her husband to stop. The elbowing turned into kicking. She eventually kicked her husband out of bed. After spending a couple of minutes out of bed, he returned, only to start sounding the butt trumpet once again. Meikle kicked and elbowed him to stop. The situation began to escalate when she grabbed her phone, ran to the bathroom, and closed the door. Before closing the door, she discharged pepper spray in the bedroom. Meikle called 911 and was arrested on a misdemeanor domestic battery charge. She was later released from the St. Lucie County Jail. My Two Cents: I think in this situation, the pepper spray is a more vile form of chemical warfare than the farting. B*tch, don't act like you don't fart.

Reliford Cooper III, 26, led cops on a high speed chase Wednesday evening. Cooper III ran a stop sign, drove through two ditches, and crashed into a house. He got out of the car and booked it into a church. Churchgoers chased his a** off the property. When the police caught up to him and started handcuffing him, Cooper III told the cops that he wasn't driving. He said it was his dog. Police told the press that Cooper III smelled of alcohol and marijuana. Interestingly enough, a dog was nowhere to be found. My Two Cents: Dude, the "dog ate my homework" excuse is tired. Next time, blame your f*ck ups on a parakeet.

photo credit: smosh From the Throwback Thursday vault: In 2014, a Florida woman was arrested after she beat the sh*t out of her boyfriend after a bad oral sex encounter. Jennie Scott, 50, opened a can of whoop-ass on Jilberto Deleon, 32, at his home last year. Turns out, she got pissed off when he finished first and stopped pleasing her. Police found Jennie Scott punching and scratching the young man. My Two Cents: Folks, you really can't fault the woman for being angry. I've come (no pun intended) across many men who will just get their rocks off, and leave the woman with the female case of blue balls. It's pretty selfish. However, I would never beat the sh*t out of the guy. I would just give him a dose of his own medicine next time. Ladies, if you have a man who constantly stops pleasing you after he climaxes, here's what you do: Next time when you are in the heat of the moment, just as he is about to blow his load, STOP what ever it is that you're doi...

photo credit: WFTV Riddle me this: How does a raccoon cross Ocklawaha River? Answer: By hitching a ride on an alligator of course! In Florida, Richard Jones happened to be walking along this river in Ocala National Forest, when he saw a raccoon hitching a ride on an alligator's back. Dude took the opportunity to photograph the twosome before the alligator went into the water and the raccoon scurried off.   My Two Cents: I wonder how much the alligator charges for his uber-like services?

photo credit: Gawker Sixty-nine year old John Arthur Benedict was driving his white Crown Victoria car, when he started to tail an SUV that happened to be an unmarked police car . Benedict tried to pull over the car for speeding. Detective Lusk, who was driving the unmarked police SUV pulled into the right hand lane to stop for Benedict. As he was pulling over, he noticed that Benedict was not a police officer and continued to drive past Lusk. Detective Lusk followed Benedict into a supermarket parking lot. Lusk confronted Benedict and Benedict was arrested. "Officer" Bendict now faces 2 charges: impersonating a police officer and unlawful use of police insignia. Only in Florida.... My Two Cents: I gotta hand it to Benedict, he nearly succeeded in pulling a fast one on the detectives. Well played, sir. On the flipside, Benedict is still an a**hole for driving a car that looked like a cop car. I don't know about you, but I feel that those Crown Victoria cars a...

                                                                 photo credit: Huff Post A lot of us have done some pretty stupid things when challenged. I remember back in the day at summer camp, I was once dared to take my clothes off and run around the camp grounds at night. I accepted the challenge and ran around without a stitch of clothes on. I did stop a few times to watch shooting stars, but I digress. There was another time when I was dared to lick my finger and then stick it in this dudes hairy belly button. Reluctantly, I did it, and then violently puked. A woman in Florida (surprise, surprise) told police that she was dared to spend time at Dunkin Donuts ...